Emotions

I feel like my brain is melting sometimes. A few days ago, I found myself crying again; I can't remember exactly why. Sometimes I wish I could remain with a feeling for a while, with that feeling that reminds me to keep going in life. That motivation that makes me want to code. Why can't I have that all the time? Whenever I cry, it makes me sad knowing that a few hours later all of it will be in vain. I won't remember anything of what I said, and again, I will waste my time watching stuff on YouTube.
I was a weird kid. I don't remember having actual emotions until I turned 16. Mostly because my puberty was very late, yet I wish I could be like my old self again. That innocent young guy who never knew what was wrong or good for him. It wasn't the best, but I just wish I never knew how life actually feels. If I could go back in time, I would fix what ruined me and what made me be this way. I was influenced by the wrong people without realizing it.
Back then, I never even knew when people were making fun of me. Last year, one of my classmates made a fake Valentine's card with a fake signature and name, then told me after a while. Deep down, I was angry. I wanted to beat her up, but I didn't. I didn't react at all; I just felt awkward. Now I wish I wouldve done something. Maybe it's how I react to things. Sometimes I can't control what I do, I don't know why. Is there something wrong with me?