I talked to my aunt today. Well, she called me first since I never had the courage to do it. Either that or I forget. We talked a lot, but as always, I only responded with "yeah" and "mhm." She told me that I don't have a voice of my own and that I should respond back when I want and say what I want to say. I wanted to respond, but I just said the same things again. I dont know why I do this. When I talk with my friends is fine, why can't I just express what I feel when I talk with other people?
Sometimes I want to call other people like my cousins, but I forget. I tell myself I would do it later, but then I forget. Why can't I just remember stuff? And when I don't forget, I'm scared to do it. I haven't called them in months, and suddenly I'm calling them just to talk; it feels so unusual. What if they dont want to talk to me? That's not all though, when I somehow get to talk to them again, I can't pay attention. Every 2 minutes I find myself fidgeting with anything I find around, not realizing they're talking. Do I deserve to talk with people if I can't pay attention to what they say? Even when everything is quiet, my brain just can't calm down. God, I wish I could just lay down and for once in my life not think about anything.
Even in class, I wish I could tell the annoying classmates that won't shut up, laugh at the teacher, or say the teacher is a piece of shit just because they gave them homework to shut the fuck up. Some classes could be so fun if it would just be quiet for a couple of minutes.