Death

I recommend turning down the volume for this page if you want. This song is the only one that will play here. I feel like it represents just how pitiful I am in this universe. How everything can turn around in seconds, how the world can destroy you in days. Is life waking up every day to do your job, get money, eat, and sleep? I get it, you spend time with friends and family too, but sometimes I just wish I could run. Run on mountains without a care in the world. I wish I could lay down on a hill and look at the stars late at night for hours, just like it was during my childhood. I wish I could turn time around and actually do stuff with my life. Will I end up in the streets? Will I be happy?
Sometimes I feel like whatever I do, I will end up killing myself one way or another. I don't want that, but I feel like I'm forced to do it. Im scared that I won't be good enough in the future. My mom thought that suicide is selfish and that the person doesn't care about others. It really isnt that. Im scared that I won't be good enough like my cousins, like my mom. I feel like everyone stares at me when I make a mistake, that they hate me.
I was always scared of dying, but recently I don't know what happened. Obviously, I would be scared if someone tried to kill me. But suicide feels weird. Sometimes I think about what is beyond death. Is it more pain? Is it nothing? Will there be peace? What if the afterlife is real and my ancestors will hate me? Maybe this journal was a mistake. If you read this, do better than me, please.